What you can do
Leave your rep alone
It is the job of your congressional representatives to sacrifice their peace and well being for the greater good. Unfortunately, our reps are being inundated by messages from hypocritical 'net neutrality activists' and it's slowing down their progress. Do not contribute to this madness. Trust the lobbyists aligned with the calm caste cause to work with your public servants so history can take its course.
Take the pledge
It's hard to imagine a world in which an Internet that has invaded our lives can ever be considered 'neutral'. Online media is an occupying force keeping us all from doing the work of growing our great nation. Help end this tyranny and take back the power in your life by signing this pledge of inaction.
Browse slowly NOW
You don't have to wait for your right to wait. Get instant gratification by installing this browser extension for access to a slow Internet lifestyle experience! The potential for a more fulfilling life awaits when there is more time on your side. For the technically inclined, this extension is a 'forward polyfill' that will eventually enable those in the so-called Internet 'Fast Lane' to join our movement.
The Slow Manifesto
Internet, get off my lawn
Slow is the future of the Internet.
For years, self-styled "net neutrality activists" have spread a misinformation campaign that a faster internet is a better internet.
Instead, we want to welcome you to the Calm Caste: the elite class of internet users that realize speed is a poor substitute for quality. Bandwidth is limited, like our roadways. And to allow for the flow of commerce and "e-traffic," we need to introduce fast lanes and put a speed limit on the information superhighway. It's a matter of both public safety and quality of life. Just like we have a highway patrol, the FCC works hand in hand with the free market to ensure that everyone can get access to a Lexus Lane. And for those users who need more, the Lamborghini Lane is where an elite few with very specific needs can potentially sacrifice their peace and well being (the natural calm caste state) for the greater good.
Our forefathers knew the importance of having mental breaks in the pursuit of happiness. The Declaration of Independence would not have been crafted if they were constantly distracted by Tumblr, YouTube, and other digital speed traps. We must take steps to revitalize the greatness of our nation by fighting for peace of mind in an increasingly distracting hyperconnected world.
Slow down. Relax. Kick off your shoes. Enjoy your Internet. Take back your lawn.